Well life has been “interesting” since I last posted. I made the very difficult decision to leave my journalism degree because my health didn’t fit well with the practical/physical aspects. It was a very hard and difficult decision.

Then the vision in my “good” eye got a bit worse. Fortunately it doesn’t seem to be anything serious but at the time it was scary. Plus I am missing Susie so much but I feel so fortunate to have so many good memories and they do make me smile, a lot.

But now for the highlights and good points. I really don’t know how I managed it but I got front row tickets to watch Jason Donovan and he was fantastic. I also made my first batch of cupcakes for a Guide Dogs cake sale. The cakes were great fun to make and didn’t look too bad.

I currently have a huge dilemma and I have to make big decisions soon ie this week….and I don’t know what to do! Any suggestions???

Sometimes, maybe often, it can be so easy to try something new but then retreat back into the comfort zone. I’ll be the first to admit that in the last three or four years I’ve done this several times, if not more. I could so easily do it again. But instead I’m going to use this post, not to “show off” but to show that if I can do these different things, then so can you.  Remember that I’ve done these things in the last few months at the age of 46/47 and not with the greatest health or confidence.

Firstly, an organisation that I’ve been speaking to for several months about working for them on a freelance basis has put me on their organisational structure, reporting to the editor. They’ve also invited me to their strategy day so this is looking good.

Secondly, although I have a lot of business/strategy related publications I have never previously written outside this area. Until now!! Now had two theatre reviews published in the Northants Herald and Post. They’ve also written that I’m a tweeter to follow.

Alongside this  on my journalism course I’ve received great feedback on my news photos and good comments on my radio packages. Prior to this I had never interviewed anyone before or used the software for editing – and believe me that software is VERY scary if you’ve never used it before. Next stop is film camera work, again very scary but if everything goes to plan I will be spending next weekend at home learning how to use the film camera so that I’m not relying on others. That will make me a better team player when we go out filming news stories.

This week I was also very proud when I was made Secretary for Guide Dogs Northampton. I’m planning to get more involved with publicity for them as well as administration and working with organisations to arrange collections etc. I feel so fortunate that the people I volunteer with have made me feel so welcome and have trusted me with this position.

Finally I have embraced dry January and have got through most of January so far avoiding alcohol.

My wish for you is that whatever is scaring you feel the fear and do it anyway.

I’m sitting here absolutely lighted headed and exhausted because of the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome/ME. This is after coming back from a podiatry appointment where I was basically told that even if the neuropathy gets worse they can’t do anything about it apart from if it gets painful.

Sitting here, at this minute, this hour, it’s tempting to cancel my plans and go back to “retired” status. That position is easier, it doesn’t require effort. But I know that this feeling will pass. It must pass. Why? Because despite my health limitations I’m embracing life.

Since I last updated this blog my world has moved forward. In September I started studying part-time on a BA (Hons) Multimedia Journalism degree. Wow, at 47 I’m studying to be a journalist. I’m a student😀. I’ve even had my first theatre review published.  I find the course physically and cognitively challenging, but I got through the first term. Albeit sometimes barely hanging on by my fingertips. But I got there.

I’m now also Assistant Secretary for Guide Dogs Northampton which I’m finding really rewarding. The people and dogs are lovely, welcoming and great company. I love spending time with them.

Now if I had any sense, which I haven’t, I wouldn’t push myself any further. But it’s a new year and time to try yet more new things!! On January 3rd I started embracing Dry January. So far I’m doing well. I’ve also started going to the gym – I’ve managed so far but will have to monitor and be very careful because of potential CFS/ME payback. AND I’m embracing MyFitnessPal to record all of my calories – I lost five lbs in the first week!!

So life is exciting, but it’s also exhausting. Health wise I can’t do things the way I used to do them. But it’s not going to stop me trying. The trade off…well don’t ask about housework etc. There’s only so much that I can do :).

 

Susie at the entrance to the vegetable garden

Well there has been a gap since my last blog.  Main reason being that this year seems determined to keep throwing horrible things at me.  I’m still missing Susie like crazy and on top of that feeling more “medicalised” than ever, plus the joys of developing bleeding behind the eye and subsequent treatment.

Yes, on an average day I feel VERY up and down – but I’m determined to make the “up” bits be as often as possible. So I’ve been focusing on the positives J I’ve selected and confirmed the next module for my BA (Hons) History and English with the Open University and will start studying A105 in September.  I’ve met a great group of people from Guide Dogs for the Blind Northampton – plus the gorgeous Guide Dogs Verity, Bess and Inga – and look forward to supporting them with admin based volunteering.  On my last blog I said that I was studying a creative writing course.  Unfortunately I lost the motivation to do that after the weeks of finding out what was happening with the eye bleed. However, I’m now  having fun with a short online writing course which allows me to get creative each week in a fun way.

I’ve had two fabulous, but contrasting weekends away – one was an 80s weekend at Butlines, Minedhead, complete with wine in plastic glasses.  The other was at the much more refined Winteringham Fields to celebrate Mum’s 70^th birthday.  The food was ABSOLUTELY fantastic as was the wine which accompanied each course!!

But now I’ve got to economise and calm down and save the pennies, getting used to being at home without Susie and motivating myself to do more at home.  Yesterday was an important step when I tackled the vegetable garden for the first time this year, much later in the year than usual.  The beds are now full of plants, seedlings and seeds and I’m looking forward to watering and tending them so that hopefully by September I will be able to show that I’ve successfully grown courgettes, potatoes, lettuce, sweetcorn, tomatoes, carrots, beetroot and peas.  I’ve also started cooking again and have been making more bread and attempting the occasional new Italian recipe – I’m pleased to say with success.

If there’s something that I really want to say with this blog it’s that we all face different challenges, and we all cope with them in different ways.  Sometimes we feel like it is nearly all too much but we’re lucky if and when we can embrace the positives, even if that they’re not all of the time.  I now know that even if when I cry, and ache so much for the things that I’ve lost in life, that with the help and support of family and friends that there will be good times – maybe not in the way that they were before, but that the good times are to be so appreciated. Sheryl Sandberg recently said, after the death of her husband, that she can no only have Option A so she is going to kick the s**t out of option B.  I also want to be kicking very hard at option B whenever option A isn’t available.

Hello everyone

Well it has been an up and down few days. This blog entry is going to focus on some of the positives, namely writing and cooking.  Last week I spent some time on my online writing course and was pleased with what I produced.  This course is for ten weeks with https://www.conted.ox.ac.uk/courses/online/ and is very interesting.  It aims to take the mystery out of creative writing.  So far none of the writing exercises have been too scary but I feel like I’ve been learning.  Although I’ve got ideas for two books I’ve got to come up with another suggestion for this course.  The first assignment requires me to write the first 500 words of the book – no pressure!!!  So I will be spending the next two or three weeks developing ideas.  I also need to spend more time on the course because I didn’t complete all of the exercises last week. Note to self – I must be a more dedicated student.

I also started to do some cooking again for the first time in quite a while. I made my first ever Hollandaise sauce.  I know that I should be modest but it tasted absolutely delicious and preparing it was so therapeutic.  I’ve posted a photo of the finished sauce along with a photo of Susie – my partner suggested that there should be Susie photo on every new blog posting as this site is named after her :).

I also had fun developing my own stuffed mushroom recipe. First I combined hard goats cheese with chopped rosemary (which I’d never used before when cooking).  I “squidged” this into small mushrooms and topped with breadcrumbs which had been lightly mixed with olive oil. I cooked them at 200 degrees for about 20 minutes and they tasted fab.  Together with the hollandaise sauce and stuffed mushrooms we had griddled asparagus and mushroom and garlic crispbakes which I had bought from Tesco.

We had another fun meat free meal on Saturday.  My version of vegetable tempura.  Iwhisked together plain flour, two eggs and enough lager to make a nice smooth batter. I then added a chopped pepper, aubergine and mushrooms and mixed it all together.  I dropped tablespoons of the mixture into the fryer and made several batches which were topped with soy sauce and mayo.  A lovely meal to eat on the settee whilst watching Saturday night tv.  It was the first time that I had made it and it was a big hit with the other half.

I’ve just realised that this blog entry is rather long so I will update you at a later stage about my very last minute trip to London………..

I had a good day yesterday.  I went to a craft class – week 2 of 4 craft classes and I did some wet felting and created a multi-coloured pot – it was very “rustic”.  As usual I was the student that needed the most help because I am least the practical person I know.  It didn’t use to matter that I was impractical because I had focused on my work and career.  Always hungry to do the best that I could – first classs honours degree, PhD with no amendments and so forth.  In my 30’s I became an academic. I wrote papers that were published in journals and presented at conferences such as the British Academy of Management.  I always knew what I wanted to achieve and I worked towards that.  But increasingly the health problems compounded against that, eye problems, nerve damage, the effects of having diabetes since I was two years old and then, the one that really, really got me, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  Eventually the realisation that I couldn’t continue working in my academic career and who else would want me with my health record?? So also a lack of confidence.  Each time I tried to fight back something else would hit me – last year it was heart problems that are fortunately easily manageable, followed by double vision whilst reading, which is being investigated.  Yes I grieved.  Who was I? I’d lost my identity as a career woman. Nobody was particularly bothered about whether I delivered results.  I still had my wonderful supportive partner but I needed something for myself.  What saved me was being Susie doggy’s mum – and looking after her, but of course she is now no longer with me.

So what do I do now to reclaim my identity, to say this is me?  To say that I am not my illnesses I am so much more? To overcome the day-to-day loneliness of being on my own during the day when my partner goes to work and I no longer have Susie with me?  To deal with the lack of structure in my day and having a sense of purpose? To meet with like-minded people of a similar age who’d had similar ambitions and still want to succeed?  I know that some are envious of me that I can do crafts whenever I want, but for me they still don’t give me the sense of satisfaction that I need.  I know that I am not alone in feeling like this because I have spoken to others in a similar situation who feel the same.

So now is yet another attempt to reclaim my identity and sense of purpose.  I’ve been putting into place stepping stones.  I’ve started an online creative writing course to see if it is possible for me to manage the transition from academic writing to writing fiction. But those I know view this as a hobby.  I’ve offered my services to help with a local diabetes group and I’m waiting to find out more about being a campaigner for Guide Dogs for the Blind.  I have friends that I meet for lunch from time-to-time and I have my crafts.  So I am doing things proactively but still that sense of identity and sense of purpose feels like it is missing. I need that sense of reward that you get when you are working and others are relying on you.  But that’s so difficult to find because you can’t commit yourself to doing this everyday due to health problems.  I hope that my journey through the next few months will help me to find that sense of self-fulfilment, purpose and identity again.