Please don’t think that I’m writing this blog because I feel sorry for myself. Most of the time I don’t but I do get flipping frustrated with my body that doesn’t work as it should either physically or cognitively. Last week was a good week, for my body as it is now, but compared to the person that I was it was flipping hard work to do things that a lot of people take for granted. I said to someone that working at the computer for three hours, with lots of breaks during that time, was harder than when I used to happily spend ten hours working. On the days that I studied for three hours I wasn’t capable of doing anything else, my brain didn’t want to think and my body was exhausted, despite going to bed for ten hours every night plus lots of rest during the day.  I have thirteen different medications every day, some of them I need eight times a day. I have Gastroparesis which makes my type 1 diabetes extremely hard to control and it is hard work with ten plus finger prick blood tests a day and being told that the gastroparesis medication could stop my heart from suddenly working. But if I don’t have the medication the effects are awful. As it is I often feel nauseous and wake up with gripping stomach pain in the early hours of the morning. I have CFS/ME which makes me physically tired, my brain not function properly and is probably the cause of the hip and back pain that started around the time when the CFS/ME was diagnosed. I have neuropathy (nerve damage) in my feet which is now starting to cause transient pain in my feet. I also have eye problems and this week have two different eye appointments.

Although I’m only 47 at times I feel like an old lady.

BUT I won’t be defeated. I’m still trying to find the right route for myself so that I can enjoy life but also feel fulfilled. At the moment I’m trying studying but so far all I’m managing to do is feel like a zombie whilst getting further behind with my studies. I absolutely love volunteering for Guide Dogs but I feel frustrated when I can’t do as much for them as I would like or that my brain fog means that I forget something. I love my friends and family who provide great company and make me laugh and understand what I’m going through. I love the range of crafts that I’ve got to do and the recipes that I like to cook – I just need to find the energy and motivation to do them. I’ve done loads of great things in life and I’m determined to do more of them.

Written for everyone dealing with the frustrations of chronic illness.