I had a good day yesterday.  I went to a craft class – week 2 of 4 craft classes and I did some wet felting and created a multi-coloured pot – it was very “rustic”.  As usual I was the student that needed the most help because I am least the practical person I know.  It didn’t use to matter that I was impractical because I had focused on my work and career.  Always hungry to do the best that I could – first classs honours degree, PhD with no amendments and so forth.  In my 30’s I became an academic. I wrote papers that were published in journals and presented at conferences such as the British Academy of Management.  I always knew what I wanted to achieve and I worked towards that.  But increasingly the health problems compounded against that, eye problems, nerve damage, the effects of having diabetes since I was two years old and then, the one that really, really got me, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  Eventually the realisation that I couldn’t continue working in my academic career and who else would want me with my health record?? So also a lack of confidence.  Each time I tried to fight back something else would hit me – last year it was heart problems that are fortunately easily manageable, followed by double vision whilst reading, which is being investigated.  Yes I grieved.  Who was I? I’d lost my identity as a career woman. Nobody was particularly bothered about whether I delivered results.  I still had my wonderful supportive partner but I needed something for myself.  What saved me was being Susie doggy’s mum – and looking after her, but of course she is now no longer with me.

So what do I do now to reclaim my identity, to say this is me?  To say that I am not my illnesses I am so much more? To overcome the day-to-day loneliness of being on my own during the day when my partner goes to work and I no longer have Susie with me?  To deal with the lack of structure in my day and having a sense of purpose? To meet with like-minded people of a similar age who’d had similar ambitions and still want to succeed?  I know that some are envious of me that I can do crafts whenever I want, but for me they still don’t give me the sense of satisfaction that I need.  I know that I am not alone in feeling like this because I have spoken to others in a similar situation who feel the same.

So now is yet another attempt to reclaim my identity and sense of purpose.  I’ve been putting into place stepping stones.  I’ve started an online creative writing course to see if it is possible for me to manage the transition from academic writing to writing fiction. But those I know view this as a hobby.  I’ve offered my services to help with a local diabetes group and I’m waiting to find out more about being a campaigner for Guide Dogs for the Blind.  I have friends that I meet for lunch from time-to-time and I have my crafts.  So I am doing things proactively but still that sense of identity and sense of purpose feels like it is missing. I need that sense of reward that you get when you are working and others are relying on you.  But that’s so difficult to find because you can’t commit yourself to doing this everyday due to health problems.  I hope that my journey through the next few months will help me to find that sense of self-fulfilment, purpose and identity again.